Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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