we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
