just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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