I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
