I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
