I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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