All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
