If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
