my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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