How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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