Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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