I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
