I'm so fucking centered right now
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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