Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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