but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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