I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
