Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
