so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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