I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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