My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
