We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
