hell yes lets make some ravioli
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
