Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
