I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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