I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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