I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
