i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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