I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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