Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
