Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
