He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
