textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
