I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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