She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
