Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
