He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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