dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
