you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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