Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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