still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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