If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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