wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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