Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
