Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We have so much sex to catch up on
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
