good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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