I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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