Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
