Your face is a jimmy john
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
