Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I party with great urgency now.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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