my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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